The sausage dilemma
Sulphur dioxide (220), sodium and potassium sulphites (221-225 and 228) and suchlike
The sun was slowly sinking and we were sitting on the terrace of the Bellender Arms admiring the colours and reflections on sea surface.
“Like roast carrots and onions” said George, who has a tendancy to be far more prosaic than poetic and his references are for the most part food based. Some people, annoyingly, refer to the intestines as being a second brain which of course they are not. Charlotte believes that, in George’s case, his lower digestive system does, at times, seem to be his primary brain because he always seems, according to her, to be talking out of ….. well let’s just say a part of his anatomy not usually used for speech amongst polite people.
Two people in suits and ties carrying briefcases were walking towards to Pub, we were quite curious to find out who they were and what they wanted. It is unusual to see people clothed in such a formal manner walking around the village. They wandered in, seeming very at ease, and took two seats next to us, this again was strange as people normally go into the bar to see what’s being served. These two strangers exuded an air of competence and busyness, one of them had received a gift from a passing seagull on his shoulder.
“Ah!” He exclaimed, “the good old countryside eh?”
“The seaside more like, there is a hint in the name, seagull” replied George with his normal charm and candour. “What do you want?”
The seagull man stood up as if to make a speech.
“You have already heard about the new Supermarket project I’m sure” he enthused and waving his hand in a roughly east by southeast direction explained that “It’s going to be built over there.”
None of us had heard about this project so we were caught a bit unawares, there was a pause as we each wondered when or if ever any one of us had set foot in a Supermarket.
The man as yet untouched by our flying friends took over the presentation, which is what it seemed to be.
“We’ve done a deep survey of your village and you’re lacking a Supermarket, all you have is those sad looking local shops selling a limited number of products” he started. “Having access to a Supermarket will change your lives, it will be great for you, just imagine, hundreds of products, strawberries and other fruits during the winter, exotic products from around the world! We were told that most of you villagers congregate in this Pub in the evening so we decided to come and do a little survey and see what sort of things you would rush to buy when the Supermarket is built.”
Th seagull man took over “Would you be up for that?” He asked. “Help us out by replying to a few questions?”
“No,” said Henriette, “it’s Pub quiz night”
And that was that, the two interlopers wandered off repulsed but surely not defeated, the consensus around the bar was that they would return. As it turned out they strode back in the next day, briefcases still in hand, but more casually dressed, or ‘disguised’ as Constable pointed out. The one who had, so far, avoided being hit by bird droppings had been stung on the nose by a wasp. This was unfortunate for him but useful for this story as we now had birdman and waspman, frankly none of us could be bothered to learn their real names. Unfortunately it had turned a bit cold and wet so we were all inside the Pub and there was nothing organised for the evening. They held us hostage and started heaping praise on Supermarkets and how they improved everyone’s lives and brought huge benefits to local communities. They gave it large like this for 27 minutes by the Pub clock and were lightly perspiring by the time they ran out energy.
“So! Let’s do the survey yes?” Said birdman with enthusiasm. There seemed to be no stopping him short of actually physically putting a sock in his mouth, George had started taking his shoes off.
“Question one, what sort of products would you be keen to see and buy in your Supermarket?”
The wind blew, the rain fell, outside, waspman and birdman could see that we were having a go, our foreheads were creased and our eyes were crossed with the effort needed to try and reply to them. Yet I suppose in many ways our final response came as a surprise, when I say response I mean the total lack of one.
“Let’s go round the room then,” said waspman jovially and obviously undaunted. You could see he sensed a challenge and felt up to it.
“What’s you’re name young man,” he asked, addressing George.
“Fred” replied George obviously not taking things as seriously as he maybe should have.
“What would you like to go and buy in your new Supermarket?” The suit continued.
“What’s in your sausages?” Asked Fred/George.
The two suits whispered to each other seemingly confused by this technical question.
“Come on!” Called Henriette, “it’s shouldn’t be difficult to answer such a simple question!”
The two suits got out their smartphones which they seemed to use as external memories.
“Salt, sugar, spray-dried wine, HVP preservative, yeast extract, natural roast beef flavour and smoke flavour. Preservatives : Sulphur dioxide (220), sodium and potassium sulphites (221-225 and 228)” replied waspman.
“Both salt and sugar are preservatives so why do you need the other ones?” Inquired Henriette.
“HVP is hydrolised vegetable protein, you make it by breaking down proteins using hydrochloric acid,” whispered Constable to her neighbour.
“What is a ‘natural roast beef flavour?” Asked Fred/George.
“What’s potassium sulphate?” A question from the back from someone who wished to remain anonymous.
The two suits looked as if someone had extracted part of their skeletal systems, they both looked slightly wobbly and some of their cockiness had escaped by the window.
“We have specialist scientists who work to ensure that our sausages are of the highest quality” birdman seemed to want to reassure us, it didn’t work.
Birdman seemed agitated and asked us, somewhat crossly “What is in the sausages that are sold in that quaint little butchers in the village then?”
“Meat” replied Henriette “with a bit of seasalt and some locally grown organic herbs. The meat comes from local pasture raised animals, the seasalt from the sea and the herbs from Claudine’s herb garden. We also have a delicious range of vegetarian and vegan sausages and they contain a wide mixture of locally produced ingredients such as mushrooms, beans, oats, eggs and suchlike.”
She continued “Once upon a time we had a Roman garrison stationed near the village and one of their sayings has been preserved here, ‘Caveat emptor, quia ignorare non debuit quod jus alienum emit’ you can read it carved into the stone lintel above the greengrocers. Basically, for us, if we don’t personnally know who is producing the food we eat, well then we don’t buy it because we can’t be sure of what’s in it. You should just look at what some people, not here of course, hid away in their sausages over the years, you wouldn’t even feed it to the seagull that shat on your head yesterday.”
Waspman semed astonished “are you saying that there is nothing in your future Supermarket that would interest you?”
“NO!” Came a rather loud reply from the five corners of the Pub.
Waspman grabbed his briefcase and hurried out rudely slamming the door. Birdman hesitated and then went and sat quietly next to Henriette.
“Are there any houses for sale in the village?” He asked.