The real reasons behind climate change

confirmed causative correlations

We always need to find the easiest explanation for observed effects.

Using my body as a precision scientific instrument I have noted over many years that the ocean, as measured at the beach, is much warmer at the end of the tourist season than before. This can be easily explained by the tourists heating themselves on the beach and then transferring that heat into the ocean when they go for a swim. This explains the changes to the AMOC and gulf stream. Increasing numbers of people have started ‘cold swimming’, basically getting in the sea during the winter which explains why winter ocean temperatures are seeing such massive increases.

The effect is enhanced by the film of suntan lotion that covers the sea surface and acts as an ‘insulation layer’. This also explains the collapse of fish stocks as the fish can’t breathe because of this film of oil.

Oceans transfer heat around the world, as shown by the AMOC. This effect is slowing and the reason is obvious, too many people surfing, a surfer’s weight is slowing the wave down and limiting it’s capacity to move heat around. The bigger and bigger cruise ships are probably increasing this effect too.

Wind transfers heat around too and wind turbines extract energy from the wind and slow it down. I’ve got a neighbour who installed one and it’s noticeably calmer behind it than in front, I correlate that my neighbour’s wind turbine is, at least in part, causing the changes to the North Atlantic jet stream that have been noticed recently.

Methane is a much more powerful gas than carbon dioxide, the bigger the molecule the bigger the effect. I recently went to a conference on ‘living as a vegan’. After 15 minutes the atmosphere was very dense and seemed to contain a lot of vitamins, I was fortunate as I was sitting near a window, the observed (olfactory) effect revealed to me that a major contribution to global warming comes from too many vegans eating too many beans. The room got noticeably hotter as the conference went on which confirmed this hypothesis.

I noticed a similar effect at a friends house, his dog kept releasing gas, this made me understand not only why people prefer having friends on facebook and suchlike that you don’t have to visit, but also the global warming effect dogs are causing. There are approximately 70 million domestic dogs just in the U.S. so we can just imagine the impact they have on global atmospheric methane levels.

Heat radiates from the Earth’s surface and warms the atmosphere. I went to a rave party recently and it was quite incredibly hot, this led me to the conclusion that we need to ban dancing as it generates excess heat and warms the planet.

A quick glance at the charts that show rising global temperatures over the last few decades reveals a hidden effect. Temperatures started to increase as more and more people started smoking cigarettes, the smoke acts like a greenhouse gas. The number of smokers has gone down but rate of temperature increase has accelerated, this might seem to contradict the tobacco smoke fact. However, water vapour also traps heat in the atmosphere and as the number of smokers has decreased the number of vapers has increased and vape vapour has a bigger climate effect than cigarette smoke.

I haven’t verified this because I hate them but it is very likely that the modern fashion for saunas and the water vapour they produce is heating the planet too. Maybe this is a conspiracy by these damp heat sauna lovers to bring about a warmer and more humid climate?

Another worrying water vapour fact is that trees create rain, but in order to get rain you have to have clouds and the night is always warmer when it’s cloudy compared to when you can see the stars. So planting trees increases cloud cover which warms the planet. I have installed a wood burning stove as a countermeasure.

“Albedo is the fraction of sunlight that is diffusely reflected by a body. It is measured on a scale from 0 (corresponding to a black body that absorbs all incident radiation) to 1 (corresponding to a body that reflects all incident radiation).” So black tarmac roads absorb a lot of heat and this is radiated back up and then trapped by the atmosphere. Some people maintain that we need to build fewer roads to counteract this effect which is obviously ridiculous. What we need is more white vans, fortunately there are increasing numbers of these as people switch to home deliveries and this counters the albedo effect.

People in the northern parts of the UK tell me that they are being affected by climate change and they have less snow and warmer summers. I’m not sure why we have to develop complicated theories about why this is when it’s easily explained. Post-glacial rebound is the effect of land rising up when a glacier melts and thus the weight on the land is reduced. The opposite is then the case, weight on a landmass will make it sink. The very high population density on the UK south coast has made that part sink and changed the angle at which the island faces the sun. The northern parts are now nearer the sun than they were before and get warmed more. It’s all simple if we think clearly about stuff.

People talk a lot about feedback loops and I noticed a very powerful one, when discussing climate change people get very angry and produce more heat which heats the planet and they get more angry and more often which heats the planet and then they get more angry …

We are continually bombarded on the social media with photos of various influencers who have strange slim and ripped bodies. They spend a lot of time encouraging everyone to get similar shapes by exercising. Working out more means we produce more heat and warm the planet, people start panting as they work out which is producing more Co2, which makes global warming worse, this is why I try and avoid exercise as much as possible.

A bloke up the Pub explained to me that the brain consumes about 20 percent of the body's energy and this rises by 5% when we are busy thinking. The energy becomes heat and gets radiated out the top of the head and heats the planet, personally I try not to think too much.